UNE psychologist Annette Stevenson helps others learn how to manage conflict more effectively.
"Particularly in a workplace, staff may see it as selfish to put their needs ahead of others, to respect those in authority without every questioning their behaviour, and to keep opinions to themselves," Annette said. "However we all have legitimate rights to put ourselves first at times, to question unfair treatment or criticism, to seek clarification or negotiate for reasonable change.
"We also have a right to receive formal recognition for our work and achievements, to refuse unreasonable requests, and not to take responsibility for someone else's problem."
So what are the hallmarks of assertive communication?
- it communicates self-respect and respect for the other person;
- it asserts your rights without violating the rights of others;
- it involves the honest, direct and appropriate expression of your feelings, wants, beliefs and opinions; and
- it provides a good chance of getting your needs met and arriving at a workable compromise.
Tips for communicating assertively
1. Pick your battles.
2. Face the person and maintain good eye contact but not a fixed stare.
3. Speak in a calm voice at medium volume.
4. Stay centred and breathe slowly.
5. Think assertively.
6. Show respect for the other person (eg, acknowledge their needs, listen, be sensitive to time, place and context).
7. Be specific and clear in your goals. Focus on the behaviour you would like to see addressed, how it makes you feel and what you need the other person to do.
8. Express your thoughts and feelings honestly (no hinting, padding, over-apologising, or mixed-messages).
9. Give the other person the chance to respond to your request, seeking clarification of what they and you undertake to do, if necessary. Ask for time to consider their offer and your response, if you need it.
10. Be open to compromise or the need to escalate, and conclude the conversation amicably.
Annette is Manager of UNE Student Counselling and Psychological Services and has previously worked extensively in the fields of sexual assault and domestic violence.
