There’s a moment in the mental health presentations she gives to rural men that Mary O’Brien knows she’s getting cut-through. When arms firmly folded high on male chests start to slowly unfold; when some men even lean forward in their seats and laugh.
“Men are a little bruised and battered from the standard mental health approach,” says Mary, UNE alumna (Graduate Certificate in Rural Science and Master of Agriculture) and founder and CEO of the charity Are You Bogged, Mate? “Many come up to me after the session and say they didn’t want to come because they thought it would be another Kumbaya session and that they were only there because their wife made them attend.
“Seeing just one bloke have that ‘A-ha’ moment and realise that he is not alone, that others do understand and do care makes it all worthwhile. When they see that they are not the only one walking this road ….
“But the best thing is when I get a message from a bloke who says that because of the conversation we had or because of the things I said, he had changed his plans and is still with us. That’s powerful stuff.”
Some of her techniques and messages may be a little unconventional but cut-through is precisely what Mary is getting with a population disproportionately represented in the suicide statistics.
She was busy working as a private consultant, travelling the countryside advising farmers on chemical use best practice when Mary learnt the frightening statistics. Rural men are twice as likely to die by suicide than metropolitan men and five times more likely than metropolitan women. Some 76% of suicides in Australia involve men.
“These figures told me that the one-size-fits-all approach of mainstream mental health support services was not working, especially for blokes in the bush,” Mary said. “There is no silver bullet that will fix this; we need diverse services to meet the diverse demographics and needs out there.”
Mary had experienced the heartbreak herself, when she was 18 and her best mate died by suicide. She lost other friends and family members in the intervening years. Then, in December 2017, two suicides in quick succession in the Darling Downs region where she lives stopped Mary in her tracks.
“Here I was travelling through large tracts of Australia and speaking mainly to men and I began to wonder, how do I know who’s next?” she said. “I had their ear on the chemical applications stuff and they were having conversations with me. What if there was something I could do? I wanted to understand the warning signs, and that drove me to investigate what was going on. It was never my intention to start a whole organisation.”
But Mary has little time these days for talks about chemicals; she’s far too busy accepting invitations from councils, community groups and even mental health providers to advise rural people, and men especially, on how they can take better care of themselves. Her calendar is booked out six months in advance.
“If organisers are having trouble getting men along, I tell them to tell the blokes that this is the sugar-free version, with no fluffy bullshit,” Mary said. Indeed, you’re unlikely to find any of her relatable agricultural analogies about bucketloads of shit and erecting strong fences, of working dogs and getting the tractor bogged in any traditional psychology manuals.
“My user-friendly language aims to make it more comfortable to have these conversations,”
“My user-friendly language aims to make it more comfortable to have these conversations,” Mary said. “I explain things in a simple way, and some of these men tell me things and you can see their shoulders rise, like a weight has been lifted. Sometimes they have been carrying around this burden their whole life.
“I mostly do mixed events, but my preference is to have separate men’s and women’s events because the engagement is much better. Men and women communicate and express themselves differently, and I find that men open up and share more without women around.
“A lot of service providers come to my talks, but I make it very clear to the audience that I am not a professional and certainly not offering crisis support. I do, however, come from an agricultural background and understand the challenges they face.”
For while this might be a good season, with high commodity prices, Mary appreciates that input prices are still also high and that climatic variability presents constant stress.
“People forget that when it rains it doesn’t rain money or grass, and that one good season will not pay the bills from 12 years of drought or help farmers find staff to help during the busy times,” she said. “There are a whole suite of things going on in the agricultural space, and among them are the family breakdowns, the child access issues, and the loss of intergenerational farms. Those pressures are always there.
“But in rural Australian communities, taking up the strain for others is what we do best. It doesn’t matter how many experts and professionals we have out here, we are the frontline. We see the changes in our friends, family and work colleagues. If we all take a little of the strain, look for the signs and make space for people to talk, we can help make a change to these numbers as a community. It’s like a fence – you need strainer posts, but strainer posts are no good without other fence posts and wires.”
Mary often marvels, herself, at the mental health advocacy work she has “fallen into by accident”.
“But many of my friends say that this is what I was born to do,” she said. “ Some of the horrific stories I hear certainly leave a mark on me and I need a few days in the garden afterwards. But the satisfaction I get out of this work is incredible. The ultimate prize is being able to connect with these men and save lives. There is nothing more rewarding than that.”
Robbers give back
This year, UNE’s Robb College selected Are You Bogged, Mate? as its preferred charity and so far the generous Robbers have raised $30,000.
“It has been a delight to work with these young people,” Mary said. “It has blown my mind.”
Robb College charity director Abbie McEvoy said many college residents understand intimately the mental health strains experienced by rural families, especially men.
“We wanted to help raise awareness of the important work that Mary does and to help reduce some of the stigmas that persist in the bush,” she said. “Our students are in a position to learn about their own mental health, influence their family members and to contribute to supporting mental health in the future.
“Like many Robbers, I have felt privileged to contribute to this wonderful charity through our formal dinner, long lunch, chugby match and parents’ ball auction.”
To lean in to this charity yourself, go to this link: https://gofund.me/d4eb1a1f
