Disillusionment with traditional models of heterosexual relationships is familiar and growing, with a new wave of disappointment or despair creeping into modern society.
A group of researchers at UNE believe this negativity – which commonly reveals itself in throwaway references to marriage as a life sentence, wives as ‘the ball and chain’ or husbands as ‘man-babies’ – is an indicator of much deeper levels of discontent.
And the cause might, at least in part, be enduring misogyny and entrenched gender roles, which lead to unequal divisions of labour or caring responsibilities in many households. Plus the economic pressures that threaten happy and equable relationships by virtue of house prices, the soaring cost of living, extended work hours and underemployment.
The upshot?
A lack of romantic, sexual and intimate connection in many relationships, and a tendency not to consider other ways of living and loving.
“Theorists are beginning to describe an acute fatalism, especially in straight-identified women; they see no other alternative to heterosexuality, which they are attracted to but ultimately find dissatisfying,” says UNE researcher Jennifer Hamilton.
“Unlike life in the suburbs in the 1950s, there are now many well-known alternatives in other cultures and LGBTQAI+ communities: from expanded kinship arrangements with friends or extended family to platonic and romantic polyamorous relationship structures, or even just good relationship therapy.”
This phenomenon of feeling trapped in traditional gendered relationships may be an old concept in white, western culture but was given a name by US-based writer and academic Asa Seresin in 2019 – heteropessimism. It does not necessarily imply violent or harmful relationships, overt sexism, abuse or even a hierarchy, but describes a pervasive sense of disappointment or ambivalence about the experiences within monogamous, cisgendered heterosexual marriage.
“So we are at a bit of an impasse,” says UNE sociologist and project collaborator Christina Kenny. “Those people in these marriages who are drawn to traditional relationship structures subsequently feel let down by the limited possibilities of these commitments. Those who reject traditional structures of gender and sexuality often end up feeling pessimistic about the status quo.”
Those who reject traditional structures of gender and sexuality often end up feeling pessimistic about the status quo.
The UNE researchers are exploring ways to move from hopelessness and cynicism to happier and healthier relationships.
“We need other diverse visions for heterosexuality that are neither straightforward, nor particularly straight, but which enable individuals to talk about and express their emotional and physical needs and desires, alongside the economic ones,” Christina says.
“Looking outside the nuclear family for support with care labour, emotional connection, and challenging partners to be more open to accepting non-traditional roles, both within their relationships, their communities and workplaces will make new spaces to explore what a fulfilling life might look like, and how that could be achieved. We hope for new forms of liberation that breathe optimism into all relationships by emphasising equality, freedom, consent, creativity, kindness and respect.”
So how did we get here?
Jennifer suggests the present situation has a complex history.
“The feminist movement created greater social space for women – the capacity to work, to divorce, to rethink notions of family,” Jennifer says. “These advances are critically important, but there are other practical struggles also taking place. What this means is that rethinking gender relations might also catalyse changes to how we go about turning our romantic relations into a whole life.
“Too often feminism means success for women in the workplace, a mortgage and a stable heterosexual relationship. The persistence of disappointment — of heteropessimism — suggests that there’s still a lot more to work through. Which is where our project comes in.”
Our project is asking how we can reimagine heterosexual relationships that don’t rely on these narrow norms.
Through its research, website and podcast series, The Heteropessimists research group based at UNE is now investigating ways to navigate the negativity that is so often attached to heterosexual marriage and monogamy and its social and political implications.
“Our project is asking how we can reimagine heterosexual relationships that don’t rely on these narrow norms,” says Christina. “It draws on our own lives at the edges of queerness, bisexuality and as heterosexuals hoping for better heterosexual relations. Describing this negativity, and understanding the concept of heteropessimism more fully could help us to change the structure of domestic relationships and come up with new, more fulfilling alternatives.”
The Heteropessimists interdisciplinary project includes UNE scholars from philosophy, sociology, literary studies and history: Felicity Joseph, Christina Kenny, Jennifer Hamilton and Matthew Allen, and trans-media consultant and digital content producer Daz Chander. Their first audio recording has just been uploaded to their website https://www.theheteropessimists.com/
