Conversations are fundamental to our relationships, with loved ones, work colleagues and clients. Every day, on average, each of us will speak over 10,000 words to numerous people. But how many of our conversations hit the mark?
In these socially distanced, often locked-down days, it’s perhaps more important than ever to invest in conversations that count. Conversations that engender trust and positive emotions. Why? Because conversations are much more than a means of engaging and exchanging information.
Executive coach Silvia de Ridder, from Unconscious Potential, says improving the quality of the conversations we have with others – whether face-to-face, via email or by phone – can build trust, and improve our relationships and team performance, leading to better outcomes all-round.
Silvia has been running professional development sessions for UNE staff recently, so we asked her to share some of her top insights with the UNE community at large.
Our conversations trigger complex neurochemical reactions that can positively and negatively impact our relationships.
“Conversations present a powerful opportunity to connect,” Silvia says. “But they are encrypted with emotion and a hidden language of trust. Our conversations trigger complex neurochemical reactions that can positively and negatively impact our relationships. Once trust is lost, it can be hard to restore.
“We all have blind spots when it comes to conversations, and it’s important to be aware of them so we can work to overcome them. This frees up the conversation to enable us to learn about ourselves and others.”
So how can we improve our conversations? Here are Silvia’s top 10 tips.
- Words are never neutral. They can make us feel safe or unsafe. They have a direct impact on the way a person feels and, in turn, how they behave.
- If it’s a difficult conversation you need to have, then plan it in advance and perhaps even prepare notes. Consider your own thoughts and feelings and the influence they may have. Consider the setting, which can influence how the words are received.
- Be present and aware of how you are “showing up”. Keep your emotions in check. Try to avoid the use of emotionally-laden words and personal pronouns like ‘I’ and ‘you’. Move from ‘me’ to ‘we’.
- Tone of voice is critical. When harsh, it can create an unsafe response in the receiver and this impacts the rest of the conversation and, ultimately, trust.
- Our presence is a major part of every conversation. Demonstrate openness and interest.
- Conversations are not a one-way street. The listening is just as important as the talking. Listen without judgement. Give the person you are speaking with ample opportunity to express themselves, their needs and their feelings.
- Neuroscience shows that we drop out of conversations every 12-18 seconds to process the information being exchanged. Don’t assume you have heard every word or have the same understanding.
- Uncertainty is the biggest threat to effective conversations. Be clear in what you are trying to communicate and the outcome you are seeking.
- If you are unsure of what you are hearing, then ask open-ended questions to clarify. Acknowledge and summarise the information you are receiving. Sometimes that will mean sitting with information that is uncomfortable and taking time for self-reflection.
- Keep calm and breathe. This is one of the fastest ways to calm that “fight-flight-freeze” response when conversations are not landing.
“Talking is easy in any conversation, but listening is hard,” says Silvia.
Talking is easy in any conversation, but listening is hard.
“The good thing is that listening is a skill that can be learned and practised. In every conversation, I recommend being curious and open to influence. Choose to respond rather than to react.
“Keep front of mind the thoughts and feelings that will support the conversation and a positive outcome, because that will support the relationship. Effective conversations are energising and emotionally satisfying. They are a gift we can give each other.”
For more information about Unconscious Potential coaching and courses, email silvia@unconsciouspotential.com.au
