Coming Out

 

Introduction

It is as natural for some men to be attracted to other men as it is for other to be attracted to women. No one knows what causes our sexual orientation: some think we are born gay, others think we become gay, but like being right or left handed being gay, straight or bisexual is neither right nor wrong. It simply is.

Coming to terms with our sexuality can take a long time. For some people it's a lonely and painful experience, especially in a world where it often seems that everyone is, or should be, heterosexual. However, most people feel relieved even elated when they do come out.

"Coming Out" is a term often used by people when they make the decision to tell others about their sexual identity. It is a process of becoming comfortable with your sexuality and sharing that information with others. Our sexual indetity is shaped by many factors. For some of us, sexuality is central to our identity; for others, it is just a small part of who we are, and how we want to be seen. Before you come out to others, it is crucial that you are comfortable and happy about your own sexual identity.

Coming out to those who are important to you can allow you to do many things:

• You can share more of yourself and your life with others
• It gives you a greater opportunity to know you as you really are
• You have more of an opportunity to affirm your own life and lifestyle
• You can give people a real chance to support you and talk to you about things that are important and relavant to you
• Communication and feelings may flow more easily becuase you no longer fell you need to be secretive
• And most important, it gives us a chance to feel great about ourselves

For some people, this process is a relativly easy one; for others, it can be associated with fear and sometimes rejection and hostility from the people you tell.

Some questions you might ask youself before you come out to someone:

How much do you know about homosexuality?

Often the first thing that happens when you come out to someone is that you are bombarded with questions: questions you may not be able or ready to answer. It is a good idea to read up on the subject, and get a solid knowledge of the issues involved. You will feel more confident if you do. A very common first question is: "How do you know you're gay?" and a very common statement to be prepared for is: "It's Just a phase you're going through."

What kinda of support do you have?

Is this the first person you're coming out to? Do you have someone else you can talk to if they react badly? Social and support groups provide an oppertunity to meet other guys and girls and share coming out stories. If you are dependant on the person you are coming out to, for example if you live with your parents, or rely on someone to help you get through uni, you may need back-up support, even a place to stay to give them time to adjust. Take the time to think about some of the possible consequences and whether you could deal with them.

Why do you want to come out?

This is probably the most important question to ask yourself. If the answer is, "Because I'm proud of who I am" or, "I want this person to know more about me so we can have a better relationship", then these are very good reasons. If you're doing it to get back at someone, or you want to shock or hurt someone, think very carefully. Often the person who will get hurt is you.

You should avoid coming out to someone during an argument with them, neither of you will be thinking clearly or rationally. It's also a good idea not to come out to family around family occasions, such as birthdays, weddings, funerals, or Christmas, people are too preoccupied with other things to listen responsivly and calmly to such a declaration.

Some points to consider

• Once you've come out to someone, it can become known to others very soon. Are you ready for other people to know? Do you want others to know? Will you be able to maintain control over who finds out?
• Some people find that writing letters is an appropriate way of coming out to loved ones. This can allow you to take time to compose your thoughts carefully and clearly. It can also give the other person a space to react and consider the news before discussing it with you. Sometimes this approach is better for people who expect a negative or hostile reaction from the person they come out to.
• Timing can be critical. Choose the moment carefully, do it when you and the other person have lots of time so you can discuss the issue in depth if need be.
• Knowing people's general attitudes about homosexuality can give you an idea about how they'll react to you coming out. However, even the most open-minded people can be shocked or react badly when it is someone they love.
• Just as it can take us a long time to come to terms with our sexuality, it can take those we tell just as long. Some people will need time to process what you are telling them. There are some great books around on knowing someone gay. There's also a group called Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (P-FLAG) which offers support and information. You can get your local P-FLAG contact details from the AIDS Council in your state.
• If you feel sure about coming out, don't let others put you off. They might say something like: "Don't tell Mum and Dad, it'll kill them." But, if it is important to you to let others know about your sexuality, then you should feel comfortable about telling them.
• Above all, coming out should only ever be your decision. No one should ever force you to come out to anyone. Sometimes coming out can create a whole set of new problems, make sure you are comfortable and ready to deal with these. If you don't want to come out to someone, you don't have to. The decision is yours!

---